Of booze, battleships and babies
by BigBangBlaze
Summary: Captain Shark's methods of calming one's nerves cause disastrous consequences for a certain Golden Swordsman. Brave Of Gold Goldran fic. No slash, just 100% derpy humor. Warning: If your brains explode easily, don't read it!


Fandom: **Ougon Yuusha Goldran (The Brave Of Gold Goldran)**

Rating: **16+? (suggestive material and all that crap)**

**Okay, so in case you readers get confused, this story takes place post-episode 48, so the main villain of the story is nether Walter nor Sirius/Serious. Both of them have already done their Heel Face Turns and are now travelling the Ougon Ginga (Golden Galaxy) with the kids. The main villain is Treasure Walzac, the ruler of the Walzac Empire, the daddy of Serious and Walter and an all-round asshole who now wants to kill his sons for betraying him. **

**Also, in case you're wondering about what a "Bacchanalia" is, it's a religious festival in Ancient Rome with lots, and I mean LOTS of booze.**

**So read and review. No flames please or Captain Shark will nom you.**

* * *

**_Prologue_**

_It all started when Uchuu Kaizoku Senkan Captain Shark, along with his passengers, Walter, the (former) crown prince of the Walzac Empire, Sharlanla, his stalker-like fiancee, Serious, his younger brother, and Colonel Sandgross, Walter's faithful butler and second in command, was thrown off course by yet another cosmic storm (luckily, that storm didn't involve any living metal-eating Nosferatos bacteria this time) and crash landed on the distant planet of Bacchanalia. Fortunately, neither the shark battleship nor his passengers were seriously hurt, but the planet they landed on was something else…_

_On Bacchanalia, everybody was drunk. Pure and simple. The organic insect-like natives would drink themselves into a zombie state 24/7. However, despite their constantly drunken state, Bacchanalian technology was advanced enough to allow for manufacturing of sentient robots._

_The robots also enjoyed getting piss-ass drunk, although on the day Captain Shark crash landed on Bacchanalia they happened to be surprisingly sober. Sober enough to patch up the scratched and dented sharkship and, after realizing that the sharkship was also a sentient robot, to generously offer him some robot booze._

_Since then Captain Shark carried a considerable amount of that robot booze in his sub-space at all times. He was more resistant to it than the natives of Bacchanalia, but the stuff made him pleasantly drowsy and helped him relax and chill out after a hard-fought battle or another day full of wacky adventures. Not to mention he really liked the taste of it._

_But today was the day he would come to regret stashing up on robot booze._

* * *

Even hours after Treasure Walzac and his goons had retreated while yelling out promises of gory revenge, Dran still couldn't calm his nerves.

Ever since Serious joined them and Treasure Walzac took his place as their greatest threat, the battles have been getting more and more gruesome. The Walzac Emperor wasn't an incompetent idiot like Walter, neither did he have a fragile, wounded soul of a motherless child deep inside him, like Serious. He had no love for his sons who had failed to live up to his expectations, no desire to show mercy to his enemies, and no reason to hold back.

Which is why today he ordered his goons to kidnap Takuya, Kazuki and Dai and send the Braves a live video feed of them getting tortured. Then he ordered the Braves to commit suicide so that he could collect their Power Stones without wasting precious resources. If the Power Stones weren't in Treasure's hands an hour later, the boys would be electrocuted. If another hour was wasted, their fingers and toes would be cut off. And if the robot warriors stalled for three hours, their young masters would be subjected to the classic execution method of "hanging, drawing and quartering".

It took an absolutely insane plan with approximately a 0,000006% chance of success plus every ounce of power the Braves Of Legendra could muster to foil Treasure's plans and save the kids before any mutilation could take place.

No wonder the Golden Swordsman, who had the strongest bond with the kids out of all the Braves, still couldn't stop shaking all over and pacing on the ground nervously as the gang waited for the Railway Of Light to appear in the evening sky of the candy-pink planet the dramatic battle took place on.

Leaning tiredly against a rock wall, Captain Shark tipped back his flask. The liquid burned his throat a bit as it went down, but it wasn't really an unpleasant feeling. Walter, Serious, Colonel and Sharlanla were chatting with the kids and most of the bots so nobody was going to reprimand the battleship for "drinking and driving" and he could enjoy his robo-booze in peace. He considered himself too badass to crash into an asteroid anyway.

However, clanging sounds of Dran pacing frantically across the valley the gang has set up camp in were getting really annoying. Captain Shark couldn't stand it for long, but he couldn't bring himself to yell at Dran for snapping him out of his nirvana. He knew the purple-and-gold mech cared a lot about the kiddies so the entire "torture and dismemberment" thing must've really disturbed him. The guy really needed a drink or something.

Captain Shark wasn't an asshole, so he stood up, walked over to the smaller mech and put a hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly feeling a heavy weight on his shoulder plating Dran stopped pacing and turned his head to look at Captain Shark.

"Dude, relax. Everything's fine now, nobody's gonna cut your masters to ribbons, so no need to be freaking out!"

"I know, but…" Dran trailed off

"You still can't stop worrying? Your processor is going to overheat from so much stress! Take this, it'll help you relax!" And with that, the Space Pirate handed Dran his flask.

"What's this?"

Captain Shark knew that as the leader of the Braves, Dran wouldn't approve of drinking something that would intoxicate him, but he had to make the samurai mech get rid of all that stress because he feared that if nothing was done, Dran would simply blow up. So he came up with a lie.

"Calming medicine for sentient robots like us. Me and Walter picked it up from one of the planets we visited during our journey. It really helps."

Dran might've been responsible, courageous and level-headed (when it didn't come to unwanted babies, of course), but he was _gullible_. So it only took one half-assed lie to convince him that the strong-smelling liquid in the flask would simply calm his nerves.

"Do you drink it or what?" the swordsman asked

"Yeah. Just don't~"

Captain Shark didn't have the time to finish the sentence. Eager to finally get some rest, Dran quickly snatched the flask out of the pirate's hands and chugged its contents.

"~drink everything at once…" Captain Shark finished with a huge sweat drop and an "Oh crap" expression on his face. The amount of booze in that flask was enough to make him drowsy, but Dran was much smaller than him, so that meant…

"Well shit." Captain Shark swore.

The second the flask was emptied, Dran doubled over coughing and clutching his throat.

"W-what the h-hell it this?" he choked out "It b-burns!"

Captain Shark suddenly felt a little guilty. There's no way Dran could drink so much of that stuff without serious effects. There was no telling what could happen to him now. He could get sick. Or maybe even explode. Or maybe…

"I feel weird…" the samurai drawled, his speech slurred.

…He could simply get drunk as a skunk.

A part of Captain Shark felt relieved. After all, Dran's life wasn't in danger from the drink. But that also meant the Braves AND the humans would have to take care of an extremely wasted Dran for the next couple of hours. And now Captain Shark would definitely get his aft handed to him for getting Dran drunk.

"Shit."

"Why are you swearing? Swearing's not nice! Let's sing a song!" Dran slurred, swaying drunkenly on his feet. His engine hiccuped loudly.

"Oh crap. Don't tell me you're gonna…"

"_HEY! I JUST MET YOU! AND THIS IS CRAZY! BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER! SO CALL ME MAYBE!"_

"OH FUCK NO!" Captain Shark's optic twitched. Dran started singing lines from random songs he sometimes played on his radio to entertain the kids during their long road trips across the Ougon Ginga. How the hell he managed to pick up radio frequency in freaking SPACE remains a mystery. Maybe a wizard did it.

"_WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS!"_

"_BABY, BABY, BABY OH!"_

"_ATSUI KAZE UKETOMERO! EIIIEEEEEEN RIIIGAAAA!"_

"_I WANNA SEE YOUR PEACOCK COCK COCK COCK!"_

As Dran continued to yell random song lines into the pink marshmallow clouds, Captain Shark slapped his hand across his forehead and dragged it down his face. What was he going to do now? He's created a MONSTER!

Of course, it was only a matter of time before the others heard Dran's slurred, frequently-interrupted-by-hiccups singing and rushed over to where the two mechs were. It even was surprising it took them so long to notice something was up.

"Captain Shark? Dran? What's going on?" Takuya asked.

"_OPPA *hic* GOLDRAN STYLE!_" the poor intoxicated mech already sounded like he had no idea what he was doing.

"DRAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, **STAHP**!" Captain Shark nearly begged. He could swear some of these songs scrambled something in his circuits.

"What's wrong with Dran?" Kazuki sweatdropped

"Is he sick? Does he have a virus?" Dai, the most soft-hearted of the three, was beginning to get worried.

"Maybe he contracted Nosferatos and is hallucinating from the damage to his systems!" Advenger piped in, knowing all too well the crippling pain and fever the metal-eating bacteria caused.

"He kind of reminds me of those weird humans on the streets. Like, the guys in dirty clothes who wobble around and sing weird songs just like him. Oh, and they also drink weird stuff from bottles" Fire Silver said.

"Now's not the time for cracking jokes!" Drill Silver yelled.

"Drunk? Hmm…He does act drunk." Kazuki squinted

Dran's legs suddenly gave out and he sunk to the ground, muttering something about bananas and babies and zombie hamburgers in submarines and Spartans and Sharpies and combining and something the kids couldn't quite understand because his speech was just so slurred.

"He _is_ drunk!" Takuya snorted.

Meanwhile Advenger, Sorakage, Leon and the Silver Knights surrounded Captain Shark, giving him the same look they gave Dran when he accidentally babies.

"You were the one who got him drunk, weren't you?" Jet Silver asked.

"We've got proof!" Star Silver held up an empty flask. "Dran never carries anything like this!" He sniffed the flask. "Woah, crap! This stuff burns my olfactory sensors! No wonder Dran is acting weird!"

"Urgh, shit!" Captain Shark dragged his hand across his face again. "Fine! I gave him some stuff from my secret stash to help him calm down. He was so freaking stressed out I thought his circuits would short out!"

"You should've tried talking to him or something instead of offering him questionable chemical substances!" Jet Silver said

"Wait a sec…All this time…While we were flying across the galaxy…Captain Shark has been drinking and driving?" Walter's voice turned into an indignant squeak.

"Do you realize how dangerous that is?" Serious added.

Sharlanla looked like she was about to faint from shock, but at the very last moment she realized she was about to collapse into a wrinkly old man's arms. She side-stepped Colonel and promptly swooned against Walter, who squeaked again.

"Robots can get drunk?" Dai asked, now extremely confused

"Well, the Braves can get tired, get sick, make babies…Why not get drunk?" Takuya said

"Chill out guys, it's not like I was so wasted I couldn't see straight! I just drink a little bit of this stuff when I'm stressed out!" Captain Shark defended himself

"A little bit? Are you sure?" the Silver Knights, Advenger and Leon said giving the battleship stink-eyes.

"This is irrespon~" Jet Silver began, but suddenly there was a sound of shifting metallic parts, and then Dran's face was inches away from his, optics glazed and lip plates puckered.

"What is it Dran?" Jet Silver asked flatly, emotionlessly as his processor struggled to process the information about the current situation.

The Braves of Legendra were really similar to humans. They could tire out, get sick, have babies, get drunk…And when tragedy struck they could also go through the Five Stages Of Grief like humans.

Right now Jet Silver was in denial.

Meanwhile the others, human and robot alike, were staring in abject horror as Dran leaned close to Jet Silver while making kissy faces.

Drill Silver snapped the flier out of his stupor by tackling him out of the drunken swordsman's way, making all three of them fall into a messy pile of Yuushas.

But through sheer bad luck Dran somehow ended up on top of the messy Yuusha pile. He wasn't singing anymore. In fact, he wasn't making a sound. He just leaned in, that disturbing, nightmare fuel kissy-face slowly getting closer to the two horrified mechs underneath.

Drill Silver's primal fight or flight instincts kicked in. For some reason it took all of his monstrous strength to throw Dran off. Finally, after much grunting and straining, Dran's unsteady legs made him topple over. Then he grabbed the shell-shocked jet and made a break for it.

"RUN! F*CKING RUN!" He yelled to his comrades, who grabbed the humans and took off running as fast as they could. There wasn't even enough time to transform.

"Uhh…Why are we running? Dran's just drunk, it's not like he's possessed or something?" Takuya asked while the kids dangled from Advenger's servo.

"You don't understand…" The train mech said gravely

"Dran has a red Power Stone and is the main unit of a Gattai. That means he's the Alpha Male of Legendra!" Leon said.

"What does that have to do with running away?" Takuya asked. Nearby Kazuki and Dai were slowly turning a pale shade of green.

"Advenger, I'm getting carsick!" Dai groaned.

"Me too!" Kazuki added.

"You're gonna have to endure it until we get to a safe place, Aruji!" Advenger huffed.

"It means he has the power to impregnate robotic lifeforms of any shape and size as long as they have some kind of reproductive programming installed. All he needs to do is to _kiss them, _and then WHAM - pregnant!" Fire Silver said.

A horrible realization dawned, and the kids' faces became ashen.

"HURRY UP YOU GUYS! IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BECOME DADS!" Takuya yelled

"AND IF DRAN'S BABY-MAKING TEMPO IS FOUR BABIES PER KISS…" Kazuki hyperventilated

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE BABIES?!" Dai yelled into the sky, as though hoping God would hear him and grant him mercy.

But his prayers went unheard.

Looking over his shoulder, Takuya saw the Ougon Kenshi…He was running at an incredible speed, limbs flailing wildly, that morbid, disturbing, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-inducing kissy face still distorting his faceplate.

"OH MY GOD GUYS HE'S GONNA CATCH UP!" He yelled.

The mechs, flier and non-flier alike, pushed themselves to the limit, sprinting so fast their legs became a blur, vents shunting out blasts of hot air but still struggling to cool their frames. They didn't even think about transforming. The only phrase repeating itself in their feverish processors was "RUN! F*CKING RUN!"

The humans were all completely disoriented, not knowing where is left and where is right, and just flopped around like pieces of cloth in the wind.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT CAPTAIN SHARK!" Walter yelled. The poor mech could only pant in response.

Despite their efforts only a few meters distance remained between them and the menace known as DrunkyDran. With a fierce determination shining in his glazed optics, faceplates still scrunched up into a nightmarish kissy face, Dran ran, his supply of energy limitless.

And, just like in the movies, soon the Braves noticed that their escape route ended in a steep cliff.

And the bots themselves weren't faring too well. Just like their fleshy comrades, they could get tired. And no matter how strong their willpower was, no matter how hard they pushed themselves to keep running, finally their energy ran out, and they toppled over in unison, their legs giving out, turning into an awkward, messy pile of Yuushas yet again. Only this time it was an eight-bot messy pile.

The humans barely avoided being crushed.

And then Dran was leaning over them, that grotesque kissyface hovering inches away from the pile of exhaustion, fear and sheer despair that laid in a panting heap on the ground.

That was it.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

From now on everyone's world would be drowned in babies.

The final Stage Of Grief - Acceptance - has set in.

But then Dran's optics flickered, his faceplates relaxed, and with a loud "clang" he collapsed on top of the messy Yuusha pile. Deep in recharge.

That night, nobody slept or recharged. The shock was too great. In the end everyone decided they needed a freakin' drink.

But they fought that urge with all their might.

A sleepless night was worth not finding yourself covered in babies in the morning.

The morning when Dran would pray for a quick and merciful death while purging his tanks and suffering from a splitting processor ache.

"Captain Shark, I think I'm…Allergic to your medicine…"

* * *

**Okay, that's it, I'm done. I'm so f*cking done! *sommersaults into a black hole***


End file.
